Things You Should Know
by Anowen18
Summary: Lestrade needs a place to stay for a few days. He asks John if he can stay at Baker Street, but John's going to be out of town. The resulting e-mails. UPDATE: Now translated to Russian here - /readfic/892392
1. Chapter 1

To: Greg Lestrade

From: John Watson 

Subject: Things you should know

Okay, I feel really stupid for having to do this, but I don't want a repeat of the last time I left town. I still think it would be easier if you got a hotel room or something, but if you insist on staying at Baker Street, you're going to need a list of things to know…some are for Sherlock, and others are for preserving your sanity.

1. Body parts are not allowed in the microwave. He knows this, don't let him tell you otherwise.

2. Nor is he allowed to work with explosives or poisons in the kitchen.

3. My gun is locked in the desk drawer. It is not allowed to be used in the flat. He knows this, too.

4. Don't touch whatever experiment's on the table. He'll throw a fit.

5. Forget about the mess. Cleaning doesn't happen very often around here. I've stopped trying.

6. Getting him to eat at regular intervals is a losing battle. Just make sure he eats something at least every other day.

7. Bring earplugs. He knows he isn't supposed to play the violin at _any_ hour of the night, but it can't be helped sometimes.

8. Don't panic if he's gone all night. Sometimes he does that. The proper time to panic is when he stops texting.

9. Building on 8. If you get a text from him and so much as one comma is out of place; panic.

10. There is a human heart in the fridge. Along with several other body parts. You have been warned.

11. Sleep is another thing that doesn't happen very often around here. Just catch him when he passes out from exhaustion, please. I have no desire to deal with another one of his concussions.

12. Kettle's in the left-hand cupboard, top shelf.

13. Sherlock's nicotine patches are there, too. I'm trying to break that habit, don't you dare give him one.

14. Sedatives are in my medicine cabinet. Don't ask, they're just in case.

15. There is a harpoon in the hall closet. Again, don't ask.

16. The Cluedo board is pinned to the wall with a knife for a reason.

17. He will talk at you for hours, don't worry, you're not expected to answer. In fact, he'll get irritated if you do. He will even talk to you while you're gone. It helps him think.

18. Whatever he just said, he doesn't mean it. Actually he probably does but he's a dick so ignore him.

Good luck, Greg. You're gonna need it.

o0o

To: John Watson

From: Greg Lestrade

Subject: Re: Things you should know

Maybe I _should_ get a hotel room.


	2. Chapter 2

**All right, so I was asked by a few to continue this, even though it was originally intended to be a oneshot. **

**Here is my attempt.**

**Please review!**

_To: John Watson_

_From: Greg Lestrade_

_Subject: This morning_

First off, does he even actually listen to you or are you just trying to be funny? He's said all of three words to me since I got here. Those being; 'Shut the door.' After that he hasn't acknowledged me at all. How do you put up with it?

Also, your kitchen looks like a murder scene. Or five. How do you even find anything in there? This morning I made the mistake of trying to fix breakfast before I went to the Yard and I found three eyeballs and human heart in the breadbox, and when you said body parts in the fridge, couldn't you have been more specific? You know, told me it was a bloody HEAD? I don't think I ever found the bread, either.

And you two are out of milk. Though I suspect you knew that.

_To: Greg Lestrade_

_From: John Watson_

_Subject: Re: This morning_

He listens. Occasionally, when it suits him. I usually ignore him when he's like that, there's no point in encouraging him.

Sorry, I'd forgotten about the stuff in the breadbox. Just put it in the white bin in the fridge, I'll deal with it when I get back. If you want you can turn the head around so it doesn't stare at you when you open the door. I'll agree it's a little unnerving. As for the bread, it's under the sink, along with the silverware and I think a pair of boots? Or maybe they're not a pair, I can't remember. Anyway, it doesn't matter.

We're always out of milk. I don't know how or why.

_o0o_

**It's still in e-mail form because I like it like this. So yes**


	3. Chapter 3

_To: John Watson_

_From: Sherlock Holmes_

_Subject:_

Where is the ammonium chlorate?

_To: Sherlock Holmes_

_From: John Watson_

_Subject: Re:_

No.

_To: John Watson_

_From: Sherlock Holmes_

_Subject: Re:_

It's for a case.

_To: Sherlock Holmes_

_From: John Watson_

_Subject: Re:_

NO.

_o0o_

_To: John Watson_

_From: Greg Lestrade_

_Subject: When are you coming back?_

Okay, so he's started talking to me. In fact, I can't get him to shut up. And I've never heard someone make a sarcastic comment with a violin before. Sherlock seems to have an entire concert of them. He was actually playing 'Flight of the Bumblebee' as I was getting ready for work this morning. (Running late, thanks to him.) And that instrument makes noises sometimes that I didn't even know were possible to make. I'm surprised you haven't destroyed it yet.

_To: Greg Lestrade_

_From: John Watson_

_Subject: Re: When are you coming back?_

I should be back in a couple of days. Try and hold out. And anyway, you've been dealing with him for a few years longer than I have. Oh, he's fond of doing that. He plays the Imperial March from Star Wars when Mycroft comes around. You should hear it. Though it's tempting sometimes, I haven't destroyed it because it cost somewhere around £20.000, and I have no desire to replace it. Also I'm pretty sure you would regret even trying, he's got some pretty nasty tricks. Consider yourself warned.

_To: John Watson_

_From: Greg Lestrade_

_Subject: Re: When are you coming back?_

A) A few years, yes, but never like this.

B) Noted.

**I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore. Reviews are always welcome!**

**And by welcome I mean REVIEW OR YOU SHALL GET NO MORE**


	4. Chapter 4

_To: John Watson_

_From: Greg Lestrade_

_Subject: Labels_

The ammonium chlorate has been found.

_To: Greg Lestrade_

_From: John Watson_

_Subject: Re: Labels_

Oh god. How's the kitchen?

_To: John Watson_

_From: Greg Lestrade_

_Subject: Re: Labels_

I tell you a highly explosive substance has detonated and you ask about the kitchen first?!

_To: Greg Lestrade_

_From: John Watson_

_Subject: Re: Labels_

Sorry, Greg. I've had to re-paper that room three times in the past month. Are you okay? Is Sherlock? What happened? What did he do? I'll kill him this time, I swear.

_To: John Watson_

_From: Greg Lestrade_

_Subject: Re: Labels_

I'm fine, Sherlock's fine, the kitchen is slightly singed but should survive. It was actually me that did it. Which brings me to the point of my e-mail. Why exactly do you keep unstable chemicals in your cupboard?

_To: Greg Lestrade_

_From: John Watson_

_Subject: Re: Labels_

Because I thought no one would find them there! Mind telling me what happened?

_To: John Watson_

_From: Greg Lestrade_

_Subject: Re: Labels_

I thought I'd make breakfast, see if I could get Sherlock to eat something. Unfortunately what I thought was salt blew up in my face! Literally! Lucky I still have eyebrows!

_To: Greg Lestrade_

_From: John Watson_

_Subject: Re: Labels_

Oh my god.

_**o0o**_

_**I don't know. College and so on got in the way of my free time and I still don't really know if I like this but hey it's done and so am I. Possible upcoming chapter, might be done here. Please review**_


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Another chapter come and gone. I'm thinking this will be wrapped up soon… I'm running out of ideas. Maybe that's for the best.**

_To: John Watson_

_From: Greg Lestrade_

_Subject: Thanks!_

I just wanted to thank both you and Sherlock for letting me stay at Baker Street. I think I've got things patched up and I really appreciate the gesture.

_To: Greg Lestrade_

_From: John Watson_

_Subject: Re: Thanks!_

Wait, you're leaving? My plane's delayed, I'm not going to be home for another two days at least! Can't you stay?

_To: John Watson_

_From: Greg Lestrade_

_Subject: Re: Thanks!_

I am a houseguest, not a babysitter. He's a grown man.

_To: Greg Lestrade_

_From: John Watson_

_Subject: Re: Thanks!_

Please stay. He's like a badly trained puppy, he'll start to destroy things if you leave him unsupervised for too long! I won't have a flat to come home too!

_To: John Watson_

_From: Greg Lestrade_

_Subject: Re: Thanks!_

While I agree with that, I can't stay.

_To: Greg Lestrade_

_From: John Watson_

_Subject: Re: Thanks!_

Greg.

_To: John Watson_

_From: Greg Lestrade_

_Subject: Re: Thanks!_

ONE more day. God help me.

**A/N: Please Review! I love seeing what you all think!**

**No seriously, review.**


	6. Chapter 6

_To: John Watson_

_From: Greg Lestrade_

_Subject: Best of luck, mate._

You're in for a rough homecoming. Think he's coming down with the flu that's been going round the Yard.

_To: Greg Lestrade_

_From: John Watson_

_Subject: Re: Best of luck, mate._

Oh god. Thanks for the warning. There's paracetamol in the cabinet if you can get him to take any.

_To: John Watson_

_From: Greg Lestrade_

_Subject: Best of luck, mate._

Nah, you of all people know what he's like. If he admits to being sick, he's probably dying. As for me, I'm going to grab the opportunity to get out while I still can. He's being a prat and he'll probably set me on fire or something if I tried to stay another night, anyway. He's already burned the drapes. Said it was an experiment. You know, I think he's actually _trying_ to be impossible now. You've really got your work cut out for you, mate.

_To: Greg Lestrade_

_From: John Watson_

_Subject: Re: Best of luck, mate._

He's a dead man. That is the fourth set of drapes this month that he has set fire to. I don't know why I even try.

Thanks again, Greg, for staying. And probably putting the fire out.

_To: John Watson_

_From: Greg Lestrade_

_Subject: Best of luck, mate._

Anytime, I suppose. I'd say it's been fun but I'd be lying. Next time I _am_ getting a hotel room.

_**o0o**_

_**Possible epilogue. But it would be short. **_

_**Please Review! I want to know what you thought. **_

_**No. Seriously. **_

_**Review.**_


	7. Epilogue

**Okay, I said it would be short, and I really think this is a good way to end, since I was running out of ideas. Please review, and let me know what you think!**

_To: Greg Lestrade_

_From: John Watson_

_Subject: The kitchen_

Greg? We need to talk about your definition of 'slightly singed.'

_To: John Watson_

_From: Greg Lestrade_

_Subject: Re: The kitchen_

Oh.


End file.
